This week I was reminded of a radio interview I did many years ago (if you dig around enough you can find it on my website!) where I was asked the question "How do I deal with my adult step-children now my spouse has died? Our 28 year relationship has completely changed. Where they once liked (maybe even loved) me, they now think I'm a greedy, gold-digging imposter."
After more than 20 years as a death lawyer I've learnt that relationships with adult step-children can change dramatically after your spouse dies. In ways many people don't expect.
Unfortunately when it comes to blended families, and in particular when a husband has died leaving a "new" wife (I often wonder how long you have to be married to no longer be the "new wife" because it seems like it's a very long time) all gloves seem to come off.
Commonly the biological children of the dead person have been told or led to believe they're in line for a windfall. Other times they just assume or believe it's their entitlement that on the death of their biological paren,t they will get what they believe they 'deserve'. Almost always (either deliberately or mistakenly) assets are owned or have been set up in such a way that there is nothing to distribute to step-children.
This leaves the surviving spouse in the incredibly emotionally stressful position of navigating grief, life without their spouse, AND fending off the dead person's adult children who expected to receive something.
If you're in a relationship with someone who has children from a previous relationship - we need to have a conversation about what that looks like. Chances are high we won't change your legal documents but you need to be armed with the knowledge to have a conversation with your adult children about what life will look like without you.
You have rights but you also have options when it comes to your step-children.
It's important to remember your adult step-children are also grieving (and as a grief counsellor once pointed out to me, many adult step-children carry unresolved grief from the initial loss of their parent that rises up when they're faced with the grief of death). They may see you as the cause of their grief, anger, or resentment and fail to see that you too are grieving and have fears about the future.
The easiest way to circumvent this is to make sure you and your spouse know how your assets (property, cash, investments and superannuation) will be distributed BEFORE you die so nobody is taken by surprise.
If you've found your way here, after the fact, as an estate lawyer I consider it my job to help you navigate your legal rights, but also help you understand your options so you can come to an arrangement that everyone can live with, without going to Court.
The most common reasons step-children contest a will
- Exclusion from the will
If a parent or step-parent has excluded an adult child from the will, they may feel entitled to an inheritance and seek legal recourse. - Financial dependency
If the step-child was financially dependent on the deceased, they may contest the will under the family provision laws, arguing they were unfairly left without adequate financial support. - Undue influence
Step-children may believe that another beneficiary manipulated or pressured the deceased into changing the will unfairly. - Lack of testamentary capacity
If the deceased was suffering from dementia, illness, or cognitive decline when making or altering their will, step-children may argue that the person lacked the mental capacity to make sound decisions. - Errors in the will
A poorly drafted will may create confusion or appear to contradict previous promises, leading step-children to contest it for clarification or fair distribution. - Disputes over joint assets
Step-children may challenge how jointly owned property, trusts, or business interests were distributed.
If you have children from a previous relationship, now's the time to review your estate plan to ensure what you "think" you're going to achieve after death is actually what transpires. As a bonus, I'll help you have the hard conversations with your children or step-children so you're not left defending your position as "the new spouse".