At the time of her dad’s death Danette O’Brien was working as an Executive Assistant, supporting a CEO and Board and she’d done this type of work for 40 years. Never for a moment did she think planning a funeral that truly honoured her fun, cheeky but sometimes ‘challenging’ dad would be the catalyst to a career change.
A couple of weeks after her dad’s funeral, Danette had the sudden realisation that she felt called to working in the death industry. She had no idea how it would happen or how hard it would be to break into but she knew she wanted others to experience the kind of farewell her dad did, not just another cookie cutter funeral.
Fast forward two and a half years and Danette is a trained funeral and memorial celebrant and the founder of Farewelled With Love. She is passionate about helping families send their loved ones off in a way that is as unique and individual as they are and is honoured to support people during the highly emotional days and weeks after death.
What was your relationship with your Dad like?
It had its moments, as most relationships do!
Dad had Bipolar Disorder which wasn’t diagnosed until he was in his early 50’s.
We had times of no contact and times of being in each other’s lives, but I always knew he loved and adored me and as an only child, I ensured I advocated very strongly for Dad, always.
In the last 12 months of his life, we spent a lot of time together and he shared so many memories with me of his life before I was born. It was healing and bonding for us both.
What was your experience of the days and weeks immediately following your dad’s death?
I was with my dad in aged care pretty much 24/7 during the last 72 hours of his life, and there when he took his last breath.
It was all new for me and with the emotional and physical experience came exhaustion.
Afterwards it was a bit of a numb whirl to be honest. Brain fog prevailed and I was up to my eyeballs in work, and I felt that I didn’t really have the opportunity to grieve or process much at the time. My grief came later in waves and still makes itself felt when I least expect it.
What do you wish was different about your after-death experience?
The lack of compassionate leave available is really concerning – the few days available were quickly used attending appointments to arrange the funeral and the day of the funeral – there was no time for me to just be in my grief before returning to work.
Preparing for a funeral is almost a full time job, with a big to do list.
Bereavement is also a time of significance and of incredible transition for the living but it isn’t widely recognised as such. When the funeral is over, life is expected to return to normal, but it’s not like that for everyone.
How was your dad’s death the catalyst for you becoming a funeral celebrant?
I found the Funeral Celebrant for Dad’s service independently via an online search and asked the Funeral Director to book her.
Dad’s funeral was a beautiful experience, a true honouring of his life and cheeky character (he was a storyteller, the joker, the life of any party) so we celebrated all the good in him while acknowledging his life was at times challenging. I received heartwarming feedback from those who attended as he really was farewelled with love.
Two weeks later while sitting at my desk at work it hit me like a brick that it was a career I’d like to pursue. I had no idea how it would happen or how hard it would be to break into, but I don’t think I’d ever felt so certain about anything.
My business name choice came to me in that moment - Farewelled With Love. I’m now doing the work that I was born to do and I have my Dad to thank for that.
We often hear about the difficult parts of grief and death but not often the positive things that lead to growth and change – was your motivation to change your career the only positive good thing to come from his death?
I had the honour of witnessing pre-death events in Dad’s life – him sharing he had been talking to relatives who died years ago, of him seemingly trying to physically find his way out of this world, of him staring into space and telling me it was all going to be alright. It was an honour to see someone transition from life.
Dad also made his presence felt in the six months after his death – I had a series of single fresh-cut flowers appear on the ground in front of me in random locations where I was walking. They were not coincidence – there were no abandoned bouquets anywhere nearby as believe me, I looked for them!!! I’ve always been quite spiritual, but the whole experience has really opened my eyes to life, living, death and what comes after that, and I keep a very open mind when people share their stories with me.
As a funeral celebrant, what’s one piece of advice you’d like to share?
I have two. The first - become curious when your loved ones are still living. People’s lives are fascinating and if you don’t ask them about their life that knowledge goes with them. Make sure you capture their life story in some way.
Secondly, funerals are evolving – think outside the box and create a funeral or memorial service that is something truly special and memorable for all the right reasons. Capture the uniqueness of the person you are there to remember so strongly that you can feel the essence of who they were in the venue.
Want to plan a farewell with love? Reach out to Danette through her website.